Here we are in Kenwright manor, as the poorest chairman of the land, his home is restricted to only two wings, predictably named East and West, stuck on the end of a Tesco retail complex, Kenwright tells me that his home has acted as inspiration for many of his great ideas for Everton. We sit by a roaring fire as he tells me of his favourite plays, and how his life had changed since his early days as an actor(ish) in Wavertree. Inevitably we broach the subject of Everton and our interview begins.

Kenwright was an avid Evertonian all his life, a strong feeling of de a vu came over me as he told me stories of how he watched Dave Hickson from the boys pen, I put this feeling down to something I ate and regained my composure. By 1999, the chance he had waited for all his life had arrived, and he seized control of the club from Peter Johnson.

“Those were dark days for the club, as valiantly as I tried, I was powerless to prevent the dark overlord Johnson from destroying our beloved club, but then, one day, he committed a sin so severe that a great fury arose, the people of Goodison rose up, and I HAD THE POWER!” By this point Kenwright is standing on his seat with his arms aloft, as I edge away he continues. “With one fair sweep I did behead the evil overlord, his evil powers were no match for me, for I was Bill Kenwright, saviour of the people!” He froze for 5 minutes until Z Cars began to play on his mobile phone, at this point he left the room, and we removed any sharp objects from his reach.

A few minutes later Kenwright returned, donning his David Moyes tattoo across his now bare chest. “Now let me talk to you about this man,” Kenwright smiled as we cowered backwards, “In 2002 I met him for the first time, and you know what, I knew we had a good un here. I remember sitting at home watching the press conference” (He was actually at the press conference, but by this point we’d already learnt not to interrupt) “And there I was, sat watching intently, and then he said it, ‘The Peoples Club’.” his eyes lit up and a twinkle dashed across his face, “I shouted, Michael, oh Michael, Mr Barrymore darling, get the needle and thread, I’ve got an idea, it’s time to make a banner!” The FollowEverton legal team (Wikipedia) has told me that I must point out that Kenwright is in fact in a relationship with a surprisingly attractive woman. Kenwright’s eyes have by now dazed off into a trance and we leave for lunch (I say we, it’s me and a sandwich which has gone irritatingly warm).

We arrive back at Kenwright manor after a brief lunch (it’s amazing how convenient a Tesco is right on your door step, they should attach these things to stadiums) and Kenwright takes me on a stroll around his garden, looking under the occasional rock for a billionaire.  My time with Kenwright was fast drawing to a close, and the stories about Blood Brothers (currently playing at the Phoenix London) had begun to make my face melt (as you may have guessed I’m prone to mild exaggeration). With barely minutes left and a punch line nowhere in sight, Kenwright invited me back into his home for a cup of tea to prepare me for my long journey back home. His kitchen was painted the royal blue of a Tesco club card (see, we’re virtually the same, roll on retail complex!), he opened up a pack of Tesco Value tea bags and popped them in the mugs. “You know I’d give all this up for Everton to win the FA Cup this year,” by now the flying pigs that had been circling Kenwright had began to get angry and were discussing firing formations. “Like I was saying to my misunderstood friend Michael Barrymore yesterday,” the pigs had decided on their formation and were setting up position, “Earl and what’s his name, you know, the other guy, begins with a W, anyway those two have been so proactive in helping me achieve great things at Everton” the pigs seemed to get a sudden burst of energy from somewhere “Great things will happen here, mark my words, great things, just watch this space!” With this the pigs formed a V formation.  I skipped the *punch line, made my excuses, and left Kenwright Manor.

*As I couldn’t think of a punchline, heres a tribute to those this day was really made for.

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