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Joke
08-27-2008, 10:14 AM
Post: #31
RE: Joke
(08-27-2008 09:20 AM)bluemints Wrote:  Breaking News!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gary Glitter's been re-arrested by Police. They found Class A drugs in his kitchen , Class B drugs in his Living room and Class 5C in his bedroom.

Mate, I nearly wet myself reading this one, absolutely brilliant, now on its way round the world.

Laughing:happy0065:Laughing:happy0065:Laughing

I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
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08-27-2008, 10:28 AM
Post: #32
RE: Joke
CATHOLIC HORSES


One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse. Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

Bye and bye, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!'.

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

[Image: cid_7011.gif] LIVERPOOL WILL BE THE PREMIERSHIP CHAMPIONS 2008-09
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08-27-2008, 10:36 AM
Post: #33
RE: Joke
(08-27-2008 10:28 AM)nil satis nisi optimum Wrote:  CATHOLIC HORSES


One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse. Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

Bye and bye, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!'.

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

LaughingLaughingLaughing

I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
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08-27-2008, 12:04 PM (This post was last modified: 08-27-2008 12:06 PM by Yalides.)
Post: #34
RE: Joke
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall. 'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'

'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.'
The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

'May I help you sir?' she asked. 'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam. 'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000. Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked.

The man replied, ' Ontario '.

'Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario '

'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
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08-27-2008, 12:54 PM
Post: #35
RE: Joke
Very good Yalides!!
What's black wet and never bright?

Englands f***ing weather!!!

As you can probably tell, i have just made that up!!

Went there and back again to see how far it was!
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08-27-2008, 04:16 PM
Post: #36
RE: Joke
THE LOVE DRESS
>
> A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's
> house.
>
> She knocked on the door then immediately
> walked in. She was shocked to see her
> daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally
> naked.
>
> Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
> perfume filled the room.
>
> 'What are you doing?' she asked.
>
> 'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from
> work.' The daughter-in-law answered.
>
> ' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.
>
> 'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law
> explained.
>
> 'Love dress? But you're naked!'
>
> 'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she
> explained.
>
> 'Every time he sees me in this
> dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages
> me for hours.'
>
> The mother-in-law left. When she got home she
> undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
> dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
> on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
>
> Finally, her husband came home. He walked in
> and saw her lying there so provocatively.
>
> ' What are you doing?' he asked.
>
> 'This is my love dress,' she whispered,
> sensually.
>
> 'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

“Okay you c**ts. Lets see what you can do now.” HIT GIRL
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08-27-2008, 04:49 PM
Post: #37
RE: Joke
I have bought a new stereo system in my car. It is a voice activated one. When i shout Country, it plays Dolly Parton, I shout Rock, It plays Guns and Rose's. I was driving through town the other day and some little sh*t ran out in front of me, i shouted "f***ing Kids", and it played Gary Glitter!!

Went there and back again to see how far it was!
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08-27-2008, 05:11 PM
Post: #38
RE: Joke
best GG joke so far that one efc

“Okay you c**ts. Lets see what you can do now.” HIT GIRL
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08-27-2008, 05:54 PM
Post: #39
RE: Joke
Gary Glitter was on a ship with 100 boy scouts and 100 girl guides when it hit an iceberg and started to sink. The captain announced "We're sinking! Everyone abandon ship!" Gary Glitter asked, "What about the children?" The captain replied, "f*** the children!" Gary Glitter looked around eagerly and said "Do we have time?"

"Everton are a bigger club than Liverpool. Everywhere you go on Merseyside you bump into Everton supporters."
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08-27-2008, 06:35 PM
Post: #40
RE: Joke
(08-27-2008 12:54 PM)E_F_C - (Blueboys5) Wrote:  Very good Yalides!!
What's black wet and never bright? hemil heskey LaughingLaughing

Englands f***ing weather!!!

As you can probably tell, i have just made that up!!
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