FollowEverton Forums
Joke - Printable Version

+- FollowEverton Forums (
+-- Forum: FollowEverton Forums (/forumdisplay.php?fid=1)
+--- Forum: The Lounge (/forumdisplay.php?fid=9)
+--- Thread: Joke (/showthread.php?tid=3052)

Joke - Yalides - 08-13-2008 08:09 AM

40 Gypsies
arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and
phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40
travellers here. Can I let them in?'

God says 'We are over quota on Pikeys
. Go out and tell them to choose
between them which are the 12 most
worthy, and I will let just the dozen

Less than a minute later St Peter is
on the phone to God again. 'They've
gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'

'No, the f***ing gates'.

RE: Joke - nil satis nisi optimum - 08-13-2008 08:14 AM


RE: Joke - Yalides - 08-13-2008 08:15 AM


A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of
her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:

"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's
probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen
>a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex,
don't resist, don't whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no
matter how much he nauseates you...... This guy is obviously very
dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. ...... Be strong,
honey. I love you!"

His wife responds:

"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that
he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if
>we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. .....Be strong
honey. I love you, too."

21 Economic Models explained with Cows - 2008 update

You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk..

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws
the milk away...

You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters
of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary
to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who
sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving
you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release..
The public then buys your bull.

You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you
want three cows.

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and
market it worldwide.

You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month,
and milk themselves.

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

You have two cows.
You worship them.

You have two cows.
Both are mad.

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of

You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive


RE: Joke - bluejohn - 08-13-2008 09:21 AM

Very good indeed just what i needed this morning

RE: Joke - Sandman - 08-15-2008 09:27 PM

The loving wife one is great

RE: Joke - cahillwilsaveus - 08-15-2008 09:49 PM

Yal, I'm still working on your 21 economic models "joke"!!!!!!Meh

RE: Joke - Yalides - 08-16-2008 07:49 AM

> I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd
> get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling
> for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling
> herself Erogonique, lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the
> right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, and long
> graceful legs all the way up to her rear end. You know the kind.
> So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.
> 'Hello?' the woman says.
> God, she sounded sexy. 'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like
> you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight
> with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it
> hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night
> long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've
> got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up,
> wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you
> want baby. Now, how does that sound?'
> She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to
> press 9.'

RE: Joke - bluemints - 08-17-2008 05:28 AM

Our Football Teams Performance yesterday F_doh

RE: Joke - Yalides - 08-17-2008 06:53 AM

(08-17-2008 05:28 AM)bluemints Wrote:  Our Football Teams Performance yesterday F_doh

The game is on here in Turkey today mate, take it that its not worth watching then ?

RE: Joke - bluemints - 08-17-2008 10:53 AM

(08-17-2008 06:53 AM)Yalides Wrote:  
(08-17-2008 05:28 AM)bluemints Wrote:  Our Football Teams Performance yesterday F_doh

The game is on here in Turkey today mate, take it that its not worth watching then ?

Plenty of goals........ Not saying anymore mate.........Choked up still
Like our defence