Humour: Paul McCartney to InvestBy Liam White • Jul 12th, 2008 • Category: Jokes and Humour |
The last few weeks have been worrying ones for many Evertonians, with little transfer activity, news of new loans being taken out, no contract signed by Moyes and rumours that we were about to sign Stephen Carr. However, with a crucial two months ahead of us, FollowEverton can exclusively reveal that, following the recent news that Paul McCartney has declared himself a blue, the Everton board have devised a plan to bring some long awaited silverware back to Goodison, (even if we will have to pawn it off the following month).
I have just heard, from reliable sources (or through my extreme boredom) that a top secret board meeting was held last night at Goodison, and the outcome has been a success. We can exclusively reveal the details of the secret plot that the board has devised to raise the funds for Everton to compete with the Top 4.
My sources inform me that Kenwright and Earle are, under the cover of darkness, to sneak into Anfield on Saturday 19th July, where Paul McCartney has been held captive by an increasingly irrational Rafa since his June concert, and bring him back to the top secret dungeons below Goodison.
There they will be met by a radiant Keith Wyness, complete with a full flowing white wedding dress. Here McCartney and Wyness will then be wed by Ferguson, who, since retiring as a football manager, has been ordained as a catholic priest.
From here Phase Three will take place (Phase Two involved consummating the marriage, but for health and safety reasons, and fear of being banned from civilized society, I decided not to go into it. I was also tempted to do a Rupert’s Tower pun, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it). At Phase Three, McCartney and Wyness are to announce their wedding to the media, however, after 6 months of wedded bliss, a distraught Wyness is to sell his story to the News Of The World, telling of how he endured ridicule and torment. In order to raise public sympathy, Wyness will confide to the journalist how McCartney and his daughter would poke fun at his wooden personality, before going on a media tour, finally breaking down in a hysterical rant on GMTV.
Three months of bitter and emotional court hearings will follow, before McCartney is forced to pay over £50million to Wyness, who instantly hands it over to Kenwright to give to Moyes, who by this point has written a restraining order against Wyness into his contract. Everton will then go to Real Madrid and buy Messi and liberate the modern slave Ronaldo, who, after some gay rumours circulated in the Spanish press, decided he wanted to move back to Manchester where he felt at home, whilst opting to commute to Everton rather than playing for United, because Rooney just didn’t do it for him.
This has been met by contempt from members of KEIOC who have stated that this is just another example of the inept ability of the current board, and that the club should stick by KEIOC’s proposal of raising a further £15million to boost transfer funds by calling in Van Der Meyde’s tab. Cllr. Warren Bradley failed to comment on the subject as I didn’t bother to ask him about it.
Well that’s what I heard. (Well it’s more realistic than asking £15million for Crouch anyway).
***FollowEverton would like to point out that all of the above, even the bit about Rafa Benitez, is completely fictional, and has no bearing in reality, although we have been reliably informed that Wyness does look good in white.
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